Kundalini is ruthless and impersonal. It might vary (some) in how it shows up and I’m not sure what Its grace depends on, but for me, it didn’t give a ¼ f*** about my ego - about who I have become, what I’ve done … just in general, who I was in this world. It wanted me free and surrendered, and it wasn’t gonna stop short of that.

 

I did think highly of myself, it’s true! I thought I was a good person. A caring person. Somebody that wanted to help people and make the world a better place. I really thought that my flexibility and my willingness to please people were my strengths and my kindness in action. I was helpful and always playing by the rules. I couldn’t be a burden to anyone or society! Actually, I couldn’t possibly take any space at all. I had to reach a high level of pain for me to bring up anything that was a problem, a need or a desire of mine. Ha, desire! It was quite difficult to articulate an actual desire. Still have trouble with that. If it’s not a need or serves some type of function, how do you know what you want? 

 

I understand now why I had such a difficult time through this shedding. I was too serious, too conscientious, or fixed, in my morality that I’m a good person and that I knew what was good and what was bad. Who doesn’t know that, right? Well, the only thing that type of thinking does, is to ground you in duality. If you’re a good person, then you resist everything that’s bad. You’re at war with wrong and evil. We focus on the “wrong” and “evil” but Kundalini focuses on the “you’re at war” part. Good and bad just are. 

 

I’m not sure when I invited Kundalini into my life … I’m gonna guess, before incarnation … but all I know is, that I took my Reiki training as a curiosity. Let’s see what this is. It was a hobby - IF there was something to it, that was! The training was ok and I learned some new things, yes - those atunements, however, did something big. They brought attention from the cosmos onto me. “Here’s a new one, let’s see if she has it in her this time!” 

 

The next decade was all a fire initiation. I went through mastery of control of self - in unfair situations, in complex f***-up situation that just could not be real and yet they were! In this phase I learned that in order to do good things, you had to do what’s necessary. But then, how far are you willing to bend yourself into something else in order to accomplish a good? I reached the elastic limit, or slightly beyond that, and taxed my nervous system all the way to panic attacks. But I must have mastered it enough because the clarity from those panic attacks created a transition into next inition: water.

 

The pandemic was the catalyst - same with the hundreds of thousands others that were in the same wave of awaking as me. In the 4 weeks in which I was laid off from work, I changed so drastically that upon return, much of what I thought about people, systems,good, truth also changed. I became way sensitive and couldn’t cope any more in the environment that once was my homeground. I had to quit my job or else … I wasn’t sure what the “else” was, I just knew, I only had one actual sensible choice: to quit the job and focus inward. It was too soon after quitting or maybe it was just perfect, but I went to a Joe Dispenza retreat. Long story short, I had a full blown activation there - all kinds of energy straight to the brain. This marked the official start of the water trail: this is where you’re floating and sorting through all kinds of emotions without a particular push/pull by the environment. You figure your own Self out as emotions rise and fall out of nowhere. So off I went into the full depths of the Dark Night. Alone. The stuff that came out of me is not something that made sense, though. Images of terror, horror, depression, agony, lots of violence of all kinds, blood, screaming. Lots of women screaming and the deepest cries. I have no idea what that was, just that it was coming out through me and from me. I couldn’t meditate, I couldn’t sleep, I just couldn’t relax. As soon as I would surrender into my body, stuff was showing up out of my root and second chakra. Then the dimension of time, suddenly, left my perception. I started to lose myself. I had no fundamental bearing to this dimension - this was a deepening of the water trail as “buoyancy” was increasing. The active question became “how was I to execute an exit out of this life?” It had to be smooth, with little mess, shock and effect on others. That last part, I couldn’t quite figure out fast enough. In the mean time, I made one friend. She told me: “You just can’t afford to inflict pain onto others.” It clicked - I had to carry the burden. I had 2 young children that I just couldn't do this to, no matter how bad I had it. Case closed.

 

As soon as I made up my mind to make it through, I started to have very strong knowings that I was dying. Not so much like a terminal illness, but like any day a tree could fall on me, get struck by lightning, accident … something out of the blue would take me out. It was a strong feeling, a knowing that I just couldn’t shake. The next few weeks were more hell around this death idea. Until one night, when I decided to talk to it. I sort of called it out and told it I’m gonna die anyway, someday, but for sure from that moment forward I would not fear it any longer. Not one minute. Just like that it went away and never came back. 

 

Well success! Short lived however. The end of the fear of dying marked the beginning of a series of ego deaths. Every 3 months or very close to that, I would go through a whole mindf*** of totally losing myself and coming out the other side, in some other shape and form. By the time I would figure myself out enough, another death would start. I was getting efficient at processing them. They became quite impersonal. This was, what they call the air trial. Totally suspended in the lightest density of matter, with no push or pull by the environment whatsoever and you’re supposed to find yourSelf. Just you within you, within stillness. No direction, no desire, no hint of anything. Who are you without a reflection back? Let’s just say, the darkness and stillness keeps going. The more you seek, the more you keep going within the void. The game has infinite patience, too. 

 

I truly didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or didn’t, what I liked or didn’t… just floating. One day after another. I didn’t know anything anymore. This period, I’d say, was the most difficult. There was no pity either, just love. But the love was so immense, it was not practical. So I did a lot of work exploring duality here - for about 2 years, which felt like 5. I was in total hermit mode, submersed into energy and consciousness exploration. I functioned in the Ether, mostly. The Cosmos was more my home than Earth. I still have to put a lot of effort celebrating myself as an incarnated human but it does seem to get better over time. I was no longer lonely. I worked with collectives now - my multidimensional Selves, other galactic beings within my team, the Comsic Oracle, the Mantis, Metatron - and of course the waves of the human collective on Earth. I was very busy, indeed, as I spent hours on my floor lying or sitting. Day in and out. I did take my kids to school and tended to the most basic necessities of life. But I’m no longer an I, I’m actually a We. My body belongs to Her - the Planet, my soul is many beings throughout densities. I’m amazed and in awe of the body and how it functions. I get surprized many times when I look in the mirror and see a human, a female face! Finally, I think I’m beautiful. Because it’s impersonal. It’s like I’m looking from a  third person point of view, onto me. I can only imagine how it feels to have a wife that’s so intimately connected to her husband, one that knows and sees into the soul, yet she’s so distant, she’s unreachable. And it’s not that she’s distant or unreachable, she’s just too vast for things to register the same way. The scale of perception is simply much larger now.

 

In the Astral, I feel respected, honored and I know my identity and how to use it. As a human, I still don’t know how to present myself and navigate within society. It’s very limiting and demeaning at every corner. Words are very slow and inefficient - you have to keep refining the meaning because somewhere, someone will miss-interpret it. It’s very slow, indeed. Boring even. And it’s not that I give ¼ f*** now about being understood or trying to prove a point or anything like that. It’s more about presenting clarity of what IS from this perspective, within the constrains of density. And leave it there, for whoever, whenever. It’s becoming an art form, with no real purpose. Even so, I’ve never felt more normal in my skin. I always thought, there’s no such thing as “normal”. Now I know there is and it feels amazing and liberating. I am happy even when I’m grieving. I am so much at the same time, and it’s wonderful that I don’t have to chose between states, between emotions, between experiences. Of course, from the outside, I look like a bailed career, a stay-at-home mom with a hobby type business and no general direction in life. Someone a bit aloof, and not willing to take action and make stuff happen. And I don’t, because there’s an ease now, a flow, so much humor, constant communication and collaboration within systems and life, and awe all around. It is amazing to be here, indeed. And I know I have to make my way back into society and start living there in a more fuller capacity, to make use of my time here. 

 

How? It remains to be unfolded.