Blog 20: Who Are You Without Something to Heal? | The Exit Ramp from Self-Improvement

I’m freshly out of fucks on self-improvement. I don’t even know why I’m so mad about this (yet) and that’s my point. I don’t have to sit here regurgitating why I’m mad? Where is this coming from? What is it reflecting to me? What is it reflecting about me? About my state? Bla, bla, bla … I’m mad and I’m very much good with that. As is. 

I’m tired of the loop. So tired, that the mad that I’m feeling, feels better.

And I’m not feeling I’m on the loop. What set me off today was watching others heavily in the loop. Churning and stepping a bit to the left, then dissecting a bit deeper. Then pausing, thinking, adjusting. Stepping a tad to the right, dissecting side-ways … pausing, thinking, adjusting. 

It’s obviously necessary. It’s what we do on the path. It’s part of the process. 

It’s just that every process, the finer it gets within its process improvement process, the faster it arrives into obsolescence. 

The issue I see, is that obsolescence is hard to catch. It’s registering as another process improvement and that’s where the mother of this type of looping resides. The habit has gravity by now - I get it. I so get it! Becoming still and allowing that gravity to dissipate is not as comfortable as looping around - one more turn. Then one more turn … 

So here I sit - myself and I - allowing myself to see this clearly and be with my now sadness. Not fixing. Allowing and honoring everything as is. It’s a softening through writing. 

I just sit and wait it out. 

Breathing.