Blog 4: Meditation is the background!
Updated: May 4, 2022
The next meditation is about allowing. My efforts in finding freedom have to shift towards effortlessness and being; a simplicity of the most natural. I should always remember the previous understandings - “I have to let go of everything I know as it doesn’t work now” and “it’s not what you think”. It has to be in the gentleness of the allowing and the non-speak of vibrational matching that I have to show up at the meeting place. I can’t have a checklist in my mind, that I follow like pilots before take-off. It has to be a state. I - within purity - need to vibrate with a frequency that allows the intelligence to connect.
The meditation was about to begin; the music playing was of delta frequency. It took a few minutes for energy to flow through the body. Soon, I could feel it doing something. The images and sensations were less this time; thoughts however, were plenty. All kinds of thoughts, coming and going, but I could not remember them once I came out of meditation. After a while, this funny feeling came over me. I wanted to laugh out loud but I was so relaxed, I couldn’t even move my cheeks. The thoughts were silly. Compared to the energy present, the thoughts trying to decipher the frequency were almost gibberish. First, they couldn't keep up with the speed but the words themselves were limiting the power or meaning of the frequency. After a while, they gave up. An intensity was there too, and it was subtle enough that it could have easily been missed. Power and intensity were the words that best describe what I was feeling that day. It didn’t last too long, and I felt guided back into my full body, gently and gradually. I knew “it was done”. Within those finishing seconds the realization came:
Meditation is the background!
Meditation is not the meeting place - it’s not the place where I go to find freedom, answers or connection, but it’s the background needed to see the different answers. Without the stillness you can’t hear the music. But be sure to not confuse the two.
It might sound simple and not a big deal at all, but this last message threw me yet into another spiral of loneliness and separation. It felt like it wanted to take away the last resort of familiarity I had. I also knew with a corner of the mind, that it was not true - but, it felt like it, with the body. I knew it wanted me to be in meditation all the time; it wanted to be together all the time, in the experience of life, but on the other hand, it felt very sad again. There was the letting go of the process to go some place. It just wanted me to be there all the time.
For the past months, I felt everything stripped away from me, not mentioning relationships or career, but life meaning and even time. Now meditation space?
Contemplating on both, the time aspect and this meditation experience, I can now see a similarity. These are both building dimensions, so to speak - they are part of the structure of perception.
When I started experiencing timelessness, it freaked me out - to the core. It was not that sweet feeling of time flying by when you’re having fun, but a complete loss of perception of time. I felt, I was losing control and going crazy; nothing in its place. This again, feels like a recalibration of my perception - I previously believed meditation is this place I go to but turns out, it’s like a mural on a wall. It’s a huge deal.
This transitioning to living in a meditative state has been seeping into reality integration before this meditation - I just didn’t recognize it. On a daily plane, I’ve been struggling with the ‘non-doing' or allowing. It’s yet another aspect of ego work that is seeping its way through. This time, it’s The Non-Doer. Once The Observer is evolving in its skill to objectively see the thoughts, the actions or unfolding of the experience of life is now being lived from a place of non-intervention or the Non-Doer aspect. I’ve been braving into this sensation with the help of the idea of allowing. I’m finding myself very lost in it. I can’t find its meeting place. Maybe it’s a higher level of vibration without a sensation of space, as I don’t have (yet) a perception of it.
On the physical, I do the house chores and what is needed for general living and dedicate the rest of the time to meditation, contemplation and being still overall. I’m coming to that barrier of self-worth and purpose of the self, the deeper I go into non-doing. A lot of restlessness arises, accompanied by confusion and a craving for logical answers. If the grass grows without me doing anything, the sun shines without me doing anything, my body knows how to live without me tending to it - so then, what is it for me to do? Anything worth doing? Does anything have purpose? Or is purpose just an ego thing?
I was hoping I’ll find answers in meditation. It wasn’t even hope; I was convinced. Now, a few days later, I guess an answer did come from mediation but not the one I was looking for.
We need mediation to recalibrate our perspective - the vibrational canvas of what we’re capable of comprehending - and sometimes, that alone can provide clarity. Though, it doesn't seem to be the place where I’ll find myself. I am not meditation space. It’s a bit of a funny thing, but somehow, it is an important distinction to make.