Blog 2: Exploring the Imbalance in Defenselessness
For the month of February, 2022 - as an exploration into self love - I decided to keep as open to anything and everything as I possibly could. I was still under the influence of The Lovers card - the union of masculine and feminine, and the union of duality in harmony.
One morning, I was staring at my screen lost in thought, with diffused vision, when I saw a black shadow move in the corner of my left eye. Shivers ran through my body and I knew there was something I needed to hear. I needed to meditate and listen. The next day, I sat down with my journal. Soon I started to write: Rest up, build up energy, you’ll need it in the next few days. There will be a dump of energy right above you that’s ready to drop, as soon as there is an opening. This one is different; it’s all at once, and the body just needs to be ready for it.
It left me with an unsettling feeling: Why? What was it for? I closed my eyes and a clear vision came:
I was standing in the middle of train tracks. It was winter and dusk. In the distance,
around a slight bend around a mountain, I could see and hear a train coming
straight towards me. I could relate, in that moment, to a deer staring into bright
headlights, incapable of moving. The vision stopped before the train got to me and
the understanding seeped in: not only did I need the energy to move out of the
way, but also to jump onto the moving train.
Few more days go by. It was Sunday and I sat down to do my card spread for the week. It soon became clear - the train was here, meditate! I put my headphones on and did some breathwork. I relaxed but I didn’t quite make it to the point of stillness that I usually go to, when I saw the headlights within my mind:
There was a back and forth between headlights and an eye. Then the eye took over
and grew, penetrating and settling into my head. Flashes started: the Romanian
Sphinx, the Egyptian Pyramids, mountain tops, eagles soaring in the sky … I couldn’t
keep up any longer; the images were very fast. My eyes fluttered inside my head,
my body filled with light. Then, a man-like figure, silver/flamey, with arms stretched
out and arched back was trying to emerge from itself. I knew it was me, somehow.
It emerged and the image morphed into a surge of energy that traveled down my throat, making it throb. It continued to my heart and I felt my chest shake. The vibration dampened as it traveled to my solar plexus, then slowed way down as it reached my legs. It was done.
What was that? I took a minute to come back into my body.
Somehow it was clear that the male energy within myself - suppressed my whole life - has finally emerged. It made sense; my entire right side of the body had suffered all kinds of issues since my late teens, yet this understanding hasn’t dawned on me. I always thought it was the feminine energy I needed to work on. As I sat there mesmerized, with a blank mind, a bigger realization came forth, and it was even more beautiful:
I no longer needed duality to point out or force these lessons/understanding through.