I’ve been working so hard on letting go - letting go of anything and everything that catches my awareness and smells like attachment. I’ve been immersed in reading and listening to teachings on ego work and how non-identification is a/the path to freedom. All in all, it became work. It became heavy and sometimes draining.
I have done this type of immersion before. I remember, when I dove into the concept of The Observer and got it, I wept for days. It was a sorrow, a sadness, a break-up, a departure.
The Observer is the idea of your attention watching your thoughts, as a separate,
objective viewer, without interference or judgment. You can view how your mind thinks, which eventually, bring about the realization that the thoughts running are merely the perceptions of your conditioning. This creates a space between your habitual thoughts and the viewer, and as this space grows, the realization plops in, that you are not those thoughts. You cannot be them since they run independent of you. Once this concept becomes real, a shake-up of your identification is imminent. Grief of the old perception of you is natural, and knowing the process can be soothing and reassuring.
At least, this first phase did not last too long.
The second time, maybe 8 years later, I came back to this place through intense meditations and possibly a kundalini awakening. This round, I had the knowing of dying - a depth that left me with no choice but to surrender to the idea. Actually, there was no fighting or debating in coming to the surrender; there was also the knowing that this is much greater than me, and there was nothing to do about it. I can’t clearly recall the linear events and emotions of this period; I only remember the extreme highs and lows of the next 3 months or so. The highs were bliss - living in oneness, nothing could shake you out of love. The lows were dark - no sense of living, deep depression with complete numbness to anything and anyone. No desire to live whatsoever and literally thinking of methods of escaping this world. It was exhausting. It slowly cleared up as the amplitude of the emotions became smaller in either direction until it leveled out. It was more complex than ego work, though - the body was also clearing other addictions, like stress hormones. It was an intense and complex period that I can’t make sense of with my mind but I’m grateful it passed.
It has been just a few months of walking around with a clearer mind before I slipped back into another ego work dive. It was more theoretical this time - very philosophical, and much more sophisticated. It was intriguing, and it definitely captured a lot of my attention. I started to sense the mind getting tangled up in concepts as the body grew heavy in emotions. The funny part - now actually amusing - is that the mind can create a labyrinth of solutions and pathways towards that freedom to keep you busy for a lifetime. It is, indeed, a fine line between being knowledgeable and rounded about an idea, but not obsessed or attached to it. That would be a sure way towards the epitome of illusion in ego work!!!
I wanted to approach it from a different angle now. The next meditation was about self-acceptance…forgiveness of the self, unconditional love and whatever I could muster in accepting of myself “as is”, with the knowing it’s all good.
It was glorious. A lot of energy came through with many visuals and sensations. I was floating in the Aether, merging with the light and dancing, and feeling amazing. Towards the end, while the images subsided and I was coming back to my body, there was a knowing:
It’s not what you think!
Very simple, very subtle, overpowering all the glorious images and sensations that I just experienced. It was a bit surprising, though, with a hint of sadness, sort of like erasing a blackboard of intense work that was accomplished in brilliance. It didn’t leave me disappointed, however, which I recognized and was somewhat proud of my ever improving humbleness. :)
It felt like a “square one” once again! Over the next seconds, a tornado of thoughts buzzed through - that freedom I’m looking for, is not glorious. It might even look boring in contrast to this light show and sensation. It doesn’t come due to any effort that I put forth, but it’s a matching of vibration. It's a meeting place. And it’s so powerful it doesn’t have to prove itself, hence our freedom to be limited. It has eternal patience, patience that I’ll also have to match half way there … or wherever this meeting place is. To have this patience, the heart and mind have to be at peace. It’s that I AM space, the So It Is! A space I’d be limiting if I have to speak of it. Stop talking - !
Since then, I’ve been exploring the simplistic, maybe empty view of freedom - the space of no bells, or color or sensations. They still come, but I’m more aware to view them as a show and not a measure of my spiritual capabilities … or something to that effect. I feel sometimes the harder I work at this, the farther away I’m from it. Yet, that’s not true either; sometimes just the seeking and exploration alone, place me into a state of oneness while the mind is busy trying to figure it all out. I hear Mooji say in the background “It’s simpler than you think”, “It’s much simpler; so simple!” and “It’s the most natural way to be”. It’s all in our conditioning then! Which reminds me of the message on the 1st of the year - everything I know - the way I know it, leave it behind. It doesn’t work now.
How many circles and spirals are there? Or could I simply step off the merry-go-round and slip into the most natural way of being. Yes, that’s not glorious or story worthy but yes, I could do that instead!